Salon customer wishes it were harder to get appointment

Photograph: David Sillitoe

Ithaca, NY - Once again leaving it until the last minute, salon customer Paul Munn called to schedule a haircut and got an appointment for the next day. “I know people that have to book an appointment like two months ahead,” said Munn. “Maybe my hairdresser just isn’t that good.”

Worrying that his choice of hairdresser was perhaps a reflection of his own self-worth, Munn went on to say, “if I had to call a week in advance it wouldn’t be so bad. I mean, she does an ok job, and my hair is pretty easy to cut, but I’d feel better if I had to pay more.”

“Paul who?” said hairdresser Dana, who never gives out her age or last name “because of all the weirdo stalkers out there.” Dana very pointedly hadn’t given her last name to Munn, leading him to conclude she had placed him firmly in the “weirdo stalker” category.

At press time, Dana still had open slots either side of Munn’s appointment.

Local man funnier than Onion writers

Ithaca, NY - After reading the latest issue of The Onion, local man, Paul Munn, announced to no one in particular that he was way funnier than those guys, and should totally be writing articles for them. “How do you get on their staff anyway?” he mused. “Maybe I should just send them something and they’ll see right away how good I am.”

Sources close to Munn expressed less enthusiasm, saying they couldn’t think of anything funny that he had said in all the years they’d known him. When pressed for further comment, Dann Williams, 44, also well known for not being funny, said, “Paul can be funny on rare occasions, but usually when he’s not intending to be.”

Concluding that the constant pressure to churn out humorous content might stifle his creativity, Munn decided to start his own web site and post stuff whenever he felt inspired. “I don’t need those guys anyway - I can totally do this alone” said Munn, adding “Who knows - maybe my site will end up more successful than theirs.” After three hours of activity that mostly involved choosing the right font, Munn had created a blog called Paul’s News In Brief, blatantly stealing the title from the Onion’s News In Brief section.

At press time, this was the only entry that had been posted.