Ithaca, NY - Local PhD student and longtime impostor syndrome sufferer, Paul Munn, was taken into custody today by the impostor police.
Sources present during the arrest reported that, rather than attempt to refute the charges, Munn actually looked somewhat relieved, and simply commented “What took you guys so long?”
Arresting officer Joseph McGovern said that Munn appeared as if a huge burden had suddenly been lifted from him. “He genuinely seemed like he was glad it was all over.”
Fellow PhD student and lab-mate, Michael Meyers, admitted to reporters that he thought the warrant was for him when the officers started reading the charges. “I started to put my hands in front of me so they could cuff me, then pretended I was just stretching when I realized they were addressing Paul.”
“Seriously though,” Meyers continued, “did he really think he could keep up the act for an entire four or five years? It was pretty obvious from the outset that he didn’t have a clue what he was doing.”
When reached for comment in his holding cell, Munn said that he blamed a motivational calendar he had purchased the year before quitting his job and returning to school. “I had to endure an entire twelve months of ‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ and ‘Spread your fucking wings and soar with the eagles’.” Looking at his surroundings he added, “You know, this cell’s a lot like my old cubicle. I should’ve just stayed put.”
At press time, further charges were brought against Munn for supposing he was witty enough to write blog posts in the style of The Onion’s News In Brief.
Ithaca, NY - Recent developments on the front lawn of local resident, Paul Munn, caused a few raised eyebrows in the immediate neighborhood, but went otherwise unnoticed in the grand scheme of things.
Sources observing through half closed curtains reported what they could only describe as a look of detached interest on Munn’s face as he watched flames emerge from the engine casing of his lawn mower. Passers by noted that what would normally be a somewhat annoying or even distressing situation seemed to Munn to be a cause for mild amusement. “Or perhaps he was crying,” they added, upon reconsideration.
Next door neighbor, Nerys Tanner, thought the spectacle might even be worthy of a Facebook post, and pondered whether a hashtag for watchingmylawnmowerburn already existed. “The grass was getting embarrassingly long,” she commented to reporters. “It always looks awful for about the first month of the Spring. He puts off that first mowing of the season for as long as he can.”
Glancing once more at the cloud of smoke in front of Munn’s house she added, “Guess it’s not going to get any shorter anytime soon.”
The Giant Pit, Upstate NY - After three weeks of living in the giant pit, local pit resident, Paul Munn, told reporters that life down there wasn’t nearly as bad as he had first imagined it would be. “A lot of guys complained in the beginning, but now that we’ve settled in I’d have to say that digging a big hole in the ground and then throwing in all of the men wasn’t such a bad thing.” Sources around the lip of the pit wrinkled their collective noses and said that it smelled decidedly sweaty down there, but then it’s a whole bunch of guys in a pit, so what’d you expect.
Kim Hollis and Paula Cee, two of the original women who came up with the idea for the pit, said that they occasionally had need of a man, but it was easy enough to fish one out with a hook, put him to work for however long they needed him, and then throw him back in afterwards. “Doesn’t really matter which one you get,” said Hollis. “They’re all pretty interchangeable.”
Some grumblings could still be heard from the occupants of the pit, but even they grudgingly conceded that the world was a much nicer, prettier, and better smelling place than it had been before. “Yeah, sure I miss holding doors open. And I miss carrying shopping bags around for hours,” said Munn, “but it’s all for the greater good.” As an afterthought, Munn added “And sunlight. I miss sunlight.”
At press time a huge argument could be heard from outside the pit, prompting all the men within earshot to breathe a sigh of relief and scratch their stomachs in unison, secure in the knowledge that there was no conceivable way that they could be blamed for whatever it was that all the shouting was about.
Ithaca, NY - Local man, Paul Munn, told reporters that reducing the world to a dynamic system of interactions between competing views of reality was really the only way he managed to stay sane. “I know it’s a huge oversimplification, but extrapolating effects on a macroscopic scale from a multi-dimensional hierarchy of intersecting hyper-planes is sometimes the only way I can get through the day.”
Expert sources on the convoluted nature of the space-time continuum we affectionately call our universe agreed that to truly come to terms with how what we perceive as a single, unified thing is actually comprised of many disparate things required one to build a mental picture of a simplified mathematical model capable of simulating abstruse physical laws. “How else would anyone be able to connect one event to the next, or have any hope of making predictions for the immediate future?” they said. “I mean, you wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed, let alone drive a car.”
At press time Munn stood frozen in place, attempting to update his internal predictive model as a baseball rapidly converged on his forehead.
