I was abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Low Earth orbit - Ithaca resident and alien abductee, Paul Munn, told reporters he was suffering no ill effects or apparent harm while undergoing a thorough examination at the hands (appendages, whatever) of his captors, “No really, they’ve been very gracious. They’ve got coffee and biscuits up here and everything. Pretty cool space ship too.”

Chief examiner, Kreeblphor Barthelmess, chuckled good naturedly as he dismissed the idea that they were in any way abusing their captive, “We don’t really do the strapping down thing with the bright lights anymore; that’s so last century.”

While Barthelmess did admit that Munn’s abduction hadn’t been entirely voluntary, he placed special emphasis on the respect and preservation of dignity program adopted by the majority of alien abductors these days.

Ship’s public relations officer, Vortang Flurg, looked a little wistful as he remembered the old days of wiping subject’s memories and dumping them naked in a field miles from where they’d been picked up, but said that in modern times everyone had a camera with them and there was the whole media image thing to consider. “Shame really. Remember that guy who’s skin melted off when we forgot to turn on the reactor shield,” Flurg said, grinning as he elbowed Barthelmess in the ribs, causing Munn to choke on his raspberry macaron. “Ah, good times.”

At press time, blog readers expressed annoyance that no reference was made in the post to anal probes. “Isn’t this supposed to be funny?  How can an alien abduction story be funny without an anal probe joke?”

Power cut reveals world to be a cold, dark, silent place

Ithaca, NY - A low moan across the frozen tundra,

The engines of the world all run down,

The clocks all stopped; the telephone cut off.

Only dimness to replace the sharp, bright lights of the day,

Only loneliness to fill the hole left by someone who once cared.

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

At press time, it’s been two whole minutes now,

Not sure I can make it to three.

Fixing hot tub just like that scene in Catch 22

Ithaca, NY - Local handyman, Paul Munn, today announced to his long suffering wife, Paula Cee, that while working on the hot tub it was like he was up in the plane in that scene from Catch 22.

“‘Cause you were naked?” inquired Cee.

“No, no. The bit where they’re on a bombing raid and that kid gets injured, and Yossarian is like bandaging up his leg, but just as he gets finished the kid’s flight suit comes open and all his guts spill out.”

“Fixing the hot tub was like that?”

“Yeah, see I was patching up this pipe that had a little leak in it, and I pulled out some insulation so I could get to the rear of the pipe and this huge crack opens up in the filter compartment. Dumped water all over me!”

Other sources speculated that Munn was either under a great deal of stress or else he lived an extremely boring life, but they weren’t sure which.

At press time, a clearly distraught Cee told reporters that she blamed herself, and said that perhaps if she and Munn could maybe talk more often he might not drift off into his weird little fantasy world.