I was abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Low Earth orbit - Ithaca resident and alien abductee, Paul Munn, told reporters he was suffering no ill effects or apparent harm while undergoing a thorough examination at the hands (appendages, whatever) of his captors, “No really, they’ve been very gracious. They’ve got coffee and biscuits up here and everything. Pretty cool space ship too.”

Chief examiner, Kreeblphor Barthelmess, chuckled good naturedly as he dismissed the idea that they were in any way abusing their captive, “We don’t really do the strapping down thing with the bright lights anymore; that’s so last century.”

While Barthelmess did admit that Munn’s abduction hadn’t been entirely voluntary, he placed special emphasis on the respect and preservation of dignity program adopted by the majority of alien abductors these days.

Ship’s public relations officer, Vortang Flurg, looked a little wistful as he remembered the old days of wiping subject’s memories and dumping them naked in a field miles from where they’d been picked up, but said that in modern times everyone had a camera with them and there was the whole media image thing to consider. “Shame really. Remember that guy who’s skin melted off when we forgot to turn on the reactor shield,” Flurg said, grinning as he elbowed Barthelmess in the ribs, causing Munn to choke on his raspberry macaron. “Ah, good times.”

At press time, blog readers expressed annoyance that no reference was made in the post to anal probes. “Isn’t this supposed to be funny?  How can an alien abduction story be funny without an anal probe joke?”