Paul’s News in Brief - Out of Office

So, this is a great time of year to be taking a break from the blogosphere. And I am. How about that.

But it looks like you're not. Because you're reading this. Bummer.

But back to me: I'm away for the winter or whatever. If you urgently need an update on my what's going on in my world then you could try posting something on social media using #interruptingyourvacation. I'll find it somehow.

However, be aware that I'm using this time to reflect and make some changes in my life. If I don't get back to you, then you're one of them.

Paul Munn kicked off of MasterChef after first episode

Los Angeles, CA - Up-and-coming molecular gastronomist, Paul Munn, was both stunned and dismayed to find himself kicked off of MasterChef at the end of the first round. In an interview following the show, Munn described how he separated ingredients into their constituent parts, used scientific methods of pairing flavors, and then applied copious amounts of CO2 and liquid nitrogen to produce the most creative foods you could imagine.

“And then they kicked me off after one episode because they said I forgot the core tenet of most cooking,” he complained. “Something about how food is supposed to taste good.”

At press time, Munn gazed out of the window on his lonely bus ride back to Ithaca, still genuinely surprised that the judges didn’t like his fermented fennel and mango-essence pearls served over cod with anchovy foam.

Local man regrets telling therapist about his blog

Ithaca, NY - Local therapist, Dr. Debra Kline, consulting with a fellow member of her profession on her patient, Paul Munn, admitted that she was somewhat puzzled by a recent statement he made insisting that therapy was merely there to help people get comfortable and stop panicking. He apparently thinks this state of mind is valuable in the animals we eat, but not something he chooses for himself.

She went on to say that the only connection between Munn’s unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying him was that he uses intelligence to justify sickness. He seems to alternate between viewing his own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse, and I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for him is that it's his mind, within his control.

I have no doubt that he is bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass, because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is; it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work, and the bottom line is some people are okay going to work, and some people, well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.

At press time, Kline admitted that in Munn’s case she largely disregards most of her formal training and instead bases her assessments and subsequent treatment on what she learned from watching Susan Sarandon’s characterization of Dr. Wong in Rick and Morty.

Local man decides Grabthar’s Hammer a really cool name for a band

Ithaca, NY - Following in the time honored tradition of naming bands after obscure movie references, local man and awful guitar player, Paul Munn, decided it would be worth forming his own band just so he could call it Grabthar’s Hammer.

Sources reported that they recognized the reference immediately, saying that it was far too obvious, and adding that it wasn’t even worth doing anymore, since Death Cab For Cutie had already done it in a more obscure and cool way than anyone else possibly could.

And no, sources added, any references to the Princess Bride (e.g. Thieves Forest, Miracle Max, Bruit Squad, Shrieking Eels, Montoya, Fezzik, Iocane, The More Deadly Poisons, R.O.U.S., Fire Swamp, Lightning Sand, Count Rugen, Six-Fingered Man, Pirate Ship Revenge, The Sound of Ultimate Suffering, Mostly Dead, A Little Alive, there are so many!), while admittedly uber cool, were also not even remotely obscure enough.

At press time, Munn decided that maybe an abstruse book reference, like maybe The Electric Monk, or Kreeblphor, would be better, but eventually settled on We Can’t Sing, But We’ve Got a Cool Name.

Local wife decides not to invite plus one to unveiling at Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery

Washington, DC - Local wife, Paula Cee, having received an invite to the unveiling of the portraits of President Barack Obama and former first lady Michelle Obama, opted not to bring along her plus one, Paul Munn.

Numerous celebrities and political figures were in attendance, including Bruce Springsteen, Gayle King, Tom Hanks, Joe Biden, Carol Pounder, and one of Munn’s personal hero’s, Steven Spielberg, none of whom Munn was afforded the opportunity of posing with for a selfie, least of all because he wasn’t there.

A sumptuous range of dishes, comprised of favorite recipes of former presidents and first ladies, was served to all those present, which of course didn’t include Munn, who instead had to be content with a packet of Ronald Reagan jelly beans that Cee brought back with her. I shit you not... Ronald Reagan jelly beans.

Cee later told reporters that she’d offered Munn some weak excuse, not wanting to admit to him that she was basically embarrassed by his insistence on telling jokes that were never funny and his weird propensity for wearing plaid shirts with striped sweaters.

At press time, Munn could be found sulking in a corner, eating his jelly beans. “Next time I get an invite to an event held in honor of a former president, I’m leaving her at home with the dog,” Munn declared. “Unless it’s for Donald Trump - I’m totally dragging her to that.”

Evil Paul Munn’s blog identical to original except for, y’know, being evil

Evil Ithaca, Evil Parallel Universe - A version of Paul’s News In Brief titled “Evil Paul’s News In Brief”, posted in an evil parallel universe, written by Evil Munn, was found by reporters to be essentially identical to the original except for having the word ‘evil’ prefacing all of the proper nouns.

Upon digging a little deeper, our research department was able to find a couple of extra pictures of Evil Munn with a goatee, but that was pretty much it.

Evil sources told reporters they hadn’t previously been aware of the 'not' evil version, but now that they had had a chance to read both they conceded they were kinda similar, but the evil one was definitely much funnier.

Responding to accusations that all he had done was plagiarize the original Paul’s News In Brief, Evil Munn retorted that Munn stole all his ideas from the Onion’s News In Brief, so c'mon, which of them was really the evil one?

Local superhero unable to think of cool name for newly acquired superpower

Ithaca, NY - Local superhero, Paul Munn, told reporters that his recently discovered ability to always insert USB drives the right way on the first try was somewhat useful, but as superpowers went, incredibly lame.

“I didn’t even get it in a cool way,” he continued. “Y’know, like a highly unstable, experimental quantum computer exploding in my face. Nothing like that... I just got a little static shock while inserting my thumb drive one day, and now I have the world’s most mediocre preternatural skill.”

Sources close to Munn said that he had wanted a superpower for as long as they could remember, even going as far as getting a job in a genetics lab with the express hope that he would be involved in some freak accident.

“They do all this weird messing around with DNA and they use all these really long, scientific words, so you’d think if something was going to go horribly wrong, resulting in a really cool superpower, that’d be the place. But instead, this happens to him...”

“Poor bastard,” sources added.

At press time, Munn still hadn’t settled on a name, but had at least commissioned a skin tight, red and black superhero onesie with the USB 3.0 logo on the chest.

Paul Munn rumored to be top pick for next James Bond

Hollywood, CA - Speculation has been swelling for months over who will take on the iconic roll after Daniel Craig, with a lineup of actors including Idris Elba and Tom Hiddleston under consideration. Michael Fassbender and James Norton had been thought to be among the front runners, after Munn removed himself from the field early in 2016 by declaring he would rather slash his own wrists before boxing himself into a part that would likely typecast him for the rest of his career. However, Sony Pictures' recent offer of $200 million might well have sweetened the pot enough for Munn, and, let's be honest here, an actor with the range and widespread appeal that Munn enjoys would be very unlikely to suffer any long term stagnation. Munn is one of the most distinctive brands in cinema. You know exactly what type of movie you’re getting when you see his name above the credits, and you can be sure that’s really him doing the balcony-jumping, car-chasing and choreographed ass-whupping. He’s the man with the deadliest skills, the maddest stare, the strongest cranium, the graveliest growl. When he punches the air, the air screams in pain. In a recent interview Munn hinted that, if he were to take the part, he would want to put his own spin on the British secret agent, playing Bond as chauvinistic, sweary, vulgar, not very good at being secret, and by no means the sharpest tool in the agency’s box. Basically, everything that James Bond isn’t and the sort of brilliant parody that only an actor like Munn could deliver.