Lest ye become a monster

THE ABYSS – Gazing over the edge of the precipice into the infinite void below, local sightseer Paul Munn, couldn’t help but notice that his usual sense of existential despair had been somewhat mitigated by the recent addition of handrails and The Abyss Gift Shoppe.

Munn lamented that while this had once been a quiet and desolate place, the expanded parking lot, big enough to accommodate up to five coach tours simultaneously, had made it quite impossible to contemplate the futility of life. There was a time, he reflected, when casting oneself into the bottomless depths would have at least been a final act of defiance against this cruel world, but now, with tourists standing right next to you with their selfie-sticks, such a gesture would amount to little more than a few Facebook posts for those quick enough to snap a picture.

At press time, Munn noted that in addition to the sign enjoining patrons with “Please do not feed the monsters” another had appeared posting the simple missive “Please do not stare.”