Meaningful eye contact made with cashier at Wegman’s

Ithaca, NY - Part-time runway model, Cornell sociology student and Wegman’s cashier, Joseph Markwell, reportedly stood patiently while customer Amanda Penbrook fumbled with her credit card and stammered awkwardly through what she hoped would pass as casual conversation.

Sources listening in described it as a pathetic attempt on Penbrook’s part to maintain her composure in the presence of Markwell’s God-like physique, also confirming that she blushed visibly when he asked her to swipe her card again as it didn’t go through the first time.

Standing behind Penbrook in line, local customer, Paul Munn, exchanged a quick glance with Markwell, wordlessly conveying that Munn also knew the burden that comes with being a stunningly handsome male specimen. “Enduring the stares and somewhat flustered attentions of multiple middle-aged women is our cross to bear,” the look said.

Speaking with reporters, Munn said he hoped he’d also managed to communicate that the sense of isolation and longing for an ordinary, boring life was something you just had to accept as a part of being exceptionally good looking. However, Munn felt that perhaps some of the nuances of their brief interaction regarding a preference for paper or plastic had been lost on the younger man.

At press time, Penbrook passed Munn in the parking lot while returning her shopping cart and completely failed to even notice him.

Area wife declares husband inadequate in every way

Ithaca, NY - Rather than running through a comprehensive list, area woman Paula Cee simply declared that husband, Paul Munn, failed to meet her expectations in every category she could think of.

Close female friends of Cee’s were in agreement that, while Munn was generally a nice guy, he really wasn’t anything to write home about, and came up short on just about all of the qualities you’d look for in a real man. Adding insult to injury, sources went on to say that Munn definitely wasn’t lacking in the lazy sloth department and was very capable of being a complete arse when he put his mind to it.

When reached for comment, Munn rolled his eyes and wisely decided not to say any more on this topic than he already had, concluding that it was very likely that he’d already said too much.

I was abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Low Earth orbit - Ithaca resident and alien abductee, Paul Munn, told reporters he was suffering no ill effects or apparent harm while undergoing a thorough examination at the hands (appendages, whatever) of his captors, “No really, they’ve been very gracious. They’ve got coffee and biscuits up here and everything. Pretty cool space ship too.”

Chief examiner, Kreeblphor Barthelmess, chuckled good naturedly as he dismissed the idea that they were in any way abusing their captive, “We don’t really do the strapping down thing with the bright lights anymore; that’s so last century.”

While Barthelmess did admit that Munn’s abduction hadn’t been entirely voluntary, he placed special emphasis on the respect and preservation of dignity program adopted by the majority of alien abductors these days.

Ship’s public relations officer, Vortang Flurg, looked a little wistful as he remembered the old days of wiping subject’s memories and dumping them naked in a field miles from where they’d been picked up, but said that in modern times everyone had a camera with them and there was the whole media image thing to consider. “Shame really. Remember that guy who’s skin melted off when we forgot to turn on the reactor shield,” Flurg said, grinning as he elbowed Barthelmess in the ribs, causing Munn to choke on his raspberry macaron. “Ah, good times.”

At press time, blog readers expressed annoyance that no reference was made in the post to anal probes. “Isn’t this supposed to be funny?  How can an alien abduction story be funny without an anal probe joke?”

Power cut reveals world to be a cold, dark, silent place

Ithaca, NY - A low moan across the frozen tundra,

The engines of the world all run down,

The clocks all stopped; the telephone cut off.

Only dimness to replace the sharp, bright lights of the day,

Only loneliness to fill the hole left by someone who once cared.

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

At press time, it’s been two whole minutes now,

Not sure I can make it to three.

Fixing hot tub just like that scene in Catch 22

Ithaca, NY - Local handyman, Paul Munn, today announced to his long suffering wife, Paula Cee, that while working on the hot tub it was like he was up in the plane in that scene from Catch 22.

“‘Cause you were naked?” inquired Cee.

“No, no. The bit where they’re on a bombing raid and that kid gets injured, and Yossarian is like bandaging up his leg, but just as he gets finished the kid’s flight suit comes open and all his guts spill out.”

“Fixing the hot tub was like that?”

“Yeah, see I was patching up this pipe that had a little leak in it, and I pulled out some insulation so I could get to the rear of the pipe and this huge crack opens up in the filter compartment. Dumped water all over me!”

Other sources speculated that Munn was either under a great deal of stress or else he lived an extremely boring life, but they weren’t sure which.

At press time, a clearly distraught Cee told reporters that she blamed herself, and said that perhaps if she and Munn could maybe talk more often he might not drift off into his weird little fantasy world.

Low angle photography used on cake

Ithaca, NY - Acclaimed photographic artist, Paul Munn, once again pushed the boundaries of cake imagery using a ‘never tried before’ squatting down technique.

“Simple but brilliant!” was the unanimous response from the local cake photography community. “This guy leads the way in everything he does!”

Sources at a national level hailed Munn as a visionary and pronounced that this one shot redefined the medium. Some may think he’s gone too far, but ten years from now all cake photography will be done this way.

Lobbyists for the American Bakers Association were less enthusiastic, purportedly dismissing the technique as a cheap gimmick. A spokesman for the ABA predicted that others may copy what Munn has done, but it will be a short lived fad at best. "There’s a way these things should be done, and this charlatan is stirring up controversy for nothing more than some free self promotion."

When reached for comment, Munn, in his usual outspoken and acerbic manner, declared that the bakers should maybe focus on making fondant that didn’t taste like earwax and leave the creative shit to true artists like himself who were willing to think outside the kitchen.

Main character in short story not liking where plot is going

New York, NY - Curtis Wainwright, the main character in a short story by author wannabe, Paul Munn, stood on a ledge fifteen stories up on a frigid January morning, freezing his arse off because Munn hadn’t thought to make him put a coat on before going out onto the roof.

Contemplating the sidewalk far below, Wainwright opined that if he jumped right at the beginning of the story, then everyone would know how it would end, so where would the suspense be? Besides, when it gets really cold the concrete gets harder, so it’ll hurt more.

Munn attempted to explain that the story wasn’t so much about suspense, but rather revolved around the recent events that had brought Wainwright to this point juxtaposed with flashbacks to happier times in his childhood.

“Not much time for flashbacks,” observed Wainwright. “We’re only fifteen stories up.”

“That’s why it’s a short story,” replied Munn. “Also, I’ll end it before you actually reach the ground, so you won’t feel a thing. Promise.”

“I dunno,” said an unconvinced Wainwright. “I think I’d rather go back to dealing with the unspecified events that brought me to this point. What’d you say we revisit this when the weather warms up a bit.”

At press time, sources agreed that “opined” and “juxtaposed” were definitely good author words and professed to be puzzled by the string of rejection letters Munn had received in response to his previous attempts to get published.

Total moron mispronounces progressive house music performer's stage name

Syracuse, NY - Local moron, Paul Munn, put the final nail in any chance he ever had of being cool by pronouncing the name of progressive house music producer and performer, Deadmau5, as "Dead mau five."

Long suffering friend, James Abbott, gently corrected the error while simultaneously he mentally crossed Munn off of any further invites to social engagements or occasions where Munn might have the slightest chance of meeting one of Abbott's associates.

Abbott, whose coolness is beyond question by virtue of his working as a sound engineer while also having a goatee, was quoted as saying, "I could see he knew he'd made a mistake as soon as he opened his mouth, and I felt really bad for the poor guy, but the damage was already done. Seriously, what an idiot..."

At press time, news of the transgression had reached Joel Thomas Zimmerman, originator of the infamous stage name and creator of the iconic mouse head. Zimmerman sighed resignedly, but opted not to comment.

Back when we were happy

Ithaca, NY - Returning from the wastelands of the distant future, time traveler and former resident Paul Munn, took an unauthorized hiatus from his mission to avert the series of events that plunged humanity into endless war with the machines to visit his long dead wife. “Yeah, I was able to jump back into my own body in the year 2015, so I didn’t look any different to her. All very ‘Quantum Leap-y’. Or is it more ‘X-Men: Days of Future Past-y’?” he told reporters upon his return. “Anyway, there I am standing in the kitchen waiting for her to come home, so I started doing the dishes so she wouldn’t get on my case when she arrived. It’s weird... that kitchen, the house, all of Ithaca was scorched from the face of the Earth over thirty years ago and yet I’m thinking maybe I should clean up a bit. God, I miss her so much.”

Munn paused to wipe away a tear with a dirt smudged thumb. “Piece of grit in my eye. So where was I? Oh yeah, she comes home and starts in on me about the laundry. She was so beautiful, too. And I can tell she’s really not paying attention ‘cause she’s sending texts the whole time she's talking, and I want to tell her about running over the dog the last time she was looking at her phone as she pulled into the driveway, but then I’m like ‘oh wait, that didn’t happen yet’ so I can’t tell her, and then I remember I’m there to change the future anyway, so maybe I can save the dog while I’m at it, so we get into this whole fight about the damn dog, who I never liked much anyway, and she’s like ‘what the fuck are you even talking about?’ and I’m like ‘doesn’t matter anyway, everyone’s dead a year from now so why do I even care?’”

Munn stopped once more and hung his head. “She’s been gone so long, but it feels like I was just with her. Well, I kinda was just with her, but you know what I mean.” At this point, Munn’s close friend and fellow time traveler, Donn Erickson, clasped his shoulder in a show of support, “rough day huh?” Erickson then glanced around their battle scarred surroundings for effect and remarked “so, didn’t get around to saving the Earth then?”

“Well, you know how it is... I had to see her again. And once we got into the whole recurring thing about her pathological cleanliness, well I couldn’t just walk out and get back to the mission.”

“Yeah, I know how it is. Good job, Munn.”

At press time, Munn was checking with his publishing agent to make sure they included the whole human relationship / lost love angle if this thing ever got made into a movie.