I can see your house from here

From his vantage point on the edge of space, adventurer and daredevil Paul Munn, exclaimed to reporters “Wow, the view from up here is spectacular!” When pressed for further details he added, “Incredible. Simply breathtaking. I can see like a really, really long way... bloody cold though.”

After a brief pause he continued, “Ok - I’m feeling a bit sick. Going back in the capsule - let’s get this thing back on the ground.”

A brief exchange with his ground station ensued, after which Munn was overheard saying, “What’d ya’ mean I’m supposed to jump. I thought the parachute was just for emergencies!”

Another exchange elicited a long string of expletives from Munn, followed by an incredulous, “Hell no. HELL! NO! Nobody said anything about setting a world skydiving record!”

Malcolm Golding, director of the ground station spoke with reporters as events unfolded, “I knew this would happen... I just knew it.” Shaking his head and looking at the ground he added, “He’s in a capsule attached to a giant weather balloon, twenty three miles above the Earth... he’ll be up there for a very long time if he’s expecting us to help him out. Maybe he’ll freeze to death and then he’s not our problem anymore.”

At press time, “Ok, you guys are hilarious. Real funny. Seriously, joke’s over now - get me the fuck down from here!”

The many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics and the philosophical debate between Platonic realism and nominalism

Nairobi, Kenya - Acknowledging that he was at least lucky enough to have a plastic sheet on the roof of his corrugated metal shack, local slum dweller, Paul Munn, gazed despondently at the stretch of churned mud separating him from the nearby train tracks and speculated that, perhaps, in some parallel universe a version of himself lived in a real house.

“Maybe I’m married to a beautiful scientist, and we live together on a quiet little street with our dog and two cats,” Munn said to himself. “Yeah, that’d be nice,” he added, as he reflected upon the stray dog he had recently befriended and subsequently eaten.

Residents of neighboring hovels confirmed that this was by no means the first time Munn had pondered an alternate existence where he was rich enough to afford a car or two, and maybe a big, comfy bed, and even a gym membership.

“Hey, just a hot shower and a couple of decent meals would be a step in the right direction,” Munn lamented as he weakly brushed flies away from the sores on his legs.

At press time, in another parallel universe, President Munn signed an executive order to lock up all the scientists. “It’s for your own safety,” he said indignantly. “Come on people - have you never read Anathem?”. “Let’s lock up the atheists as well,” he added, “just in case.”

Miscommunication leads to dog being fed twice

Ithaca, NY - Sources confirmed this week, that, through a combination of deceit, lies of omission, and sad, innocent puppy eyes, local dog Bosco had managed to extort a second meal out of his clueless owner, Paul Munn, whom Bosco thinks of simply as “food guy”.

At press time, Bosco patiently endured the nightly humiliation of having to sit and wait until he was told to eat, all the time thinking that there was no way his distant wolf ancestors would’ve put up with this shit.

Impostor police finally show up

Ithaca, NY - Local PhD student and longtime impostor syndrome sufferer, Paul Munn, was taken into custody today by the impostor police.

Sources present during the arrest reported that, rather than attempt to refute the charges, Munn actually looked somewhat relieved, and simply commented “What took you guys so long?”

Arresting officer Joseph McGovern said that Munn appeared as if a huge burden had suddenly been lifted from him. “He genuinely seemed like he was glad it was all over.”

Fellow PhD student and lab-mate, Michael Meyers, admitted to reporters that he thought the warrant was for him when the officers started reading the charges. “I started to put my hands in front of me so they could cuff me, then pretended I was just stretching when I realized they were addressing Paul.”

“Seriously though,” Meyers continued, “did he really think he could keep up the act for an entire four or five years? It was pretty obvious from the outset that he didn’t have a clue what he was doing.”

When reached for comment in his holding cell, Munn said that he blamed a motivational calendar he had purchased the year before quitting his job and returning to school. “I had to endure an entire twelve months of ‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ and ‘Spread your fucking wings and soar with the eagles’.” Looking at his surroundings he added, “You know, this cell’s a lot like my old cubicle. I should’ve just stayed put.”

At press time, further charges were brought against Munn for supposing he was witty enough to write blog posts in the style of The Onion’s News In Brief.

Local front lawn giving up on ever getting mowed

Ithaca, NY - Recent developments on the front lawn of local resident, Paul Munn, caused a few raised eyebrows in the immediate neighborhood, but went otherwise unnoticed in the grand scheme of things.

Sources observing through half closed curtains reported what they could only describe as a look of detached interest on Munn’s face as he watched flames emerge from the engine casing of his lawn mower. Passers by noted that what would normally be a somewhat annoying or even distressing situation seemed to Munn to be a cause for mild amusement. “Or perhaps he was crying,” they added, upon reconsideration.

Next door neighbor, Nerys Tanner, thought the spectacle might even be worthy of a Facebook post, and pondered whether a hashtag for watchingmylawnmowerburn already existed. “The grass was getting embarrassingly long,” she commented to reporters. “It always looks awful for about the first month of the Spring. He puts off that first mowing of the season for as long as he can.”

Glancing once more at the cloud of smoke in front of Munn’s house she added, “Guess it’s not going to get any shorter anytime soon.”

In hindsight, putting all the guys in the world into a giant pit was a pretty good idea

The Giant Pit, Upstate NY - After three weeks of living in the giant pit, local pit resident, Paul Munn, told reporters that life down there wasn’t nearly as bad as he had first imagined it would be. “A lot of guys complained in the beginning, but now that we’ve settled in I’d have to say that digging a big hole in the ground and then throwing in all of the men wasn’t such a bad thing.” Sources around the lip of the pit wrinkled their collective noses and said that it smelled decidedly sweaty down there, but then it’s a whole bunch of guys in a pit, so what’d you expect.

Kim Hollis and Paula Cee, two of the original women who came up with the idea for the pit, said that they occasionally had need of a man, but it was easy enough to fish one out with a hook, put him to work for however long they needed him, and then throw him back in afterwards. “Doesn’t really matter which one you get,” said Hollis. “They’re all pretty interchangeable.”

Some grumblings could still be heard from the occupants of the pit, but even they grudgingly conceded that the world was a much nicer, prettier, and better smelling place than it had been before. “Yeah, sure I miss holding doors open. And I miss carrying shopping bags around for hours,” said Munn, “but it’s all for the greater good.” As an afterthought, Munn added “And sunlight. I miss sunlight.”

At press time a huge argument could be heard from outside the pit, prompting all the men within earshot to breathe a sigh of relief and scratch their stomachs in unison, secure in the knowledge that there was no conceivable way that they could be blamed for whatever it was that all the shouting was about.

Thinking of the world as a complex, multi-layered construct only way man can cope with life

Ithaca, NY - Local man, Paul Munn, told reporters that reducing the world to a dynamic system of interactions between competing views of reality was really the only way he managed to stay sane. “I know it’s a huge oversimplification, but extrapolating effects on a macroscopic scale from a multi-dimensional hierarchy of intersecting hyper-planes is sometimes the only way I can get through the day.”

Expert sources on the convoluted nature of the space-time continuum we affectionately call our universe agreed that to truly come to terms with how what we perceive as a single, unified thing is actually comprised of many disparate things required one to build a mental picture of a simplified mathematical model capable of simulating abstruse physical laws. “How else would anyone be able to connect one event to the next, or have any hope of making predictions for the immediate future?” they said. “I mean, you wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed, let alone drive a car.”

At press time Munn stood frozen in place, attempting to update his internal predictive model as a baseball rapidly converged on his forehead.

Meaningful eye contact made with cashier at Wegman’s

Ithaca, NY - Part-time runway model, Cornell sociology student and Wegman’s cashier, Joseph Markwell, reportedly stood patiently while customer Amanda Penbrook fumbled with her credit card and stammered awkwardly through what she hoped would pass as casual conversation.

Sources listening in described it as a pathetic attempt on Penbrook’s part to maintain her composure in the presence of Markwell’s God-like physique, also confirming that she blushed visibly when he asked her to swipe her card again as it didn’t go through the first time.

Standing behind Penbrook in line, local customer, Paul Munn, exchanged a quick glance with Markwell, wordlessly conveying that Munn also knew the burden that comes with being a stunningly handsome male specimen. “Enduring the stares and somewhat flustered attentions of multiple middle-aged women is our cross to bear,” the look said.

Speaking with reporters, Munn said he hoped he’d also managed to communicate that the sense of isolation and longing for an ordinary, boring life was something you just had to accept as a part of being exceptionally good looking. However, Munn felt that perhaps some of the nuances of their brief interaction regarding a preference for paper or plastic had been lost on the younger man.

At press time, Penbrook passed Munn in the parking lot while returning her shopping cart and completely failed to even notice him.

Area wife declares husband inadequate in every way

Ithaca, NY - Rather than running through a comprehensive list, area woman Paula Cee simply declared that husband, Paul Munn, failed to meet her expectations in every category she could think of.

Close female friends of Cee’s were in agreement that, while Munn was generally a nice guy, he really wasn’t anything to write home about, and came up short on just about all of the qualities you’d look for in a real man. Adding insult to injury, sources went on to say that Munn definitely wasn’t lacking in the lazy sloth department and was very capable of being a complete arse when he put his mind to it.

When reached for comment, Munn rolled his eyes and wisely decided not to say any more on this topic than he already had, concluding that it was very likely that he’d already said too much.

I was abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Low Earth orbit - Ithaca resident and alien abductee, Paul Munn, told reporters he was suffering no ill effects or apparent harm while undergoing a thorough examination at the hands (appendages, whatever) of his captors, “No really, they’ve been very gracious. They’ve got coffee and biscuits up here and everything. Pretty cool space ship too.”

Chief examiner, Kreeblphor Barthelmess, chuckled good naturedly as he dismissed the idea that they were in any way abusing their captive, “We don’t really do the strapping down thing with the bright lights anymore; that’s so last century.”

While Barthelmess did admit that Munn’s abduction hadn’t been entirely voluntary, he placed special emphasis on the respect and preservation of dignity program adopted by the majority of alien abductors these days.

Ship’s public relations officer, Vortang Flurg, looked a little wistful as he remembered the old days of wiping subject’s memories and dumping them naked in a field miles from where they’d been picked up, but said that in modern times everyone had a camera with them and there was the whole media image thing to consider. “Shame really. Remember that guy who’s skin melted off when we forgot to turn on the reactor shield,” Flurg said, grinning as he elbowed Barthelmess in the ribs, causing Munn to choke on his raspberry macaron. “Ah, good times.”

At press time, blog readers expressed annoyance that no reference was made in the post to anal probes. “Isn’t this supposed to be funny?  How can an alien abduction story be funny without an anal probe joke?”

Power cut reveals world to be a cold, dark, silent place

Ithaca, NY - A low moan across the frozen tundra,

The engines of the world all run down,

The clocks all stopped; the telephone cut off.

Only dimness to replace the sharp, bright lights of the day,

Only loneliness to fill the hole left by someone who once cared.

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

At press time, it’s been two whole minutes now,

Not sure I can make it to three.

Fixing hot tub just like that scene in Catch 22

Ithaca, NY - Local handyman, Paul Munn, today announced to his long suffering wife, Paula Cee, that while working on the hot tub it was like he was up in the plane in that scene from Catch 22.

“‘Cause you were naked?” inquired Cee.

“No, no. The bit where they’re on a bombing raid and that kid gets injured, and Yossarian is like bandaging up his leg, but just as he gets finished the kid’s flight suit comes open and all his guts spill out.”

“Fixing the hot tub was like that?”

“Yeah, see I was patching up this pipe that had a little leak in it, and I pulled out some insulation so I could get to the rear of the pipe and this huge crack opens up in the filter compartment. Dumped water all over me!”

Other sources speculated that Munn was either under a great deal of stress or else he lived an extremely boring life, but they weren’t sure which.

At press time, a clearly distraught Cee told reporters that she blamed herself, and said that perhaps if she and Munn could maybe talk more often he might not drift off into his weird little fantasy world.

Low angle photography used on cake

Ithaca, NY - Acclaimed photographic artist, Paul Munn, once again pushed the boundaries of cake imagery using a ‘never tried before’ squatting down technique.

“Simple but brilliant!” was the unanimous response from the local cake photography community. “This guy leads the way in everything he does!”

Sources at a national level hailed Munn as a visionary and pronounced that this one shot redefined the medium. Some may think he’s gone too far, but ten years from now all cake photography will be done this way.

Lobbyists for the American Bakers Association were less enthusiastic, purportedly dismissing the technique as a cheap gimmick. A spokesman for the ABA predicted that others may copy what Munn has done, but it will be a short lived fad at best. "There’s a way these things should be done, and this charlatan is stirring up controversy for nothing more than some free self promotion."

When reached for comment, Munn, in his usual outspoken and acerbic manner, declared that the bakers should maybe focus on making fondant that didn’t taste like earwax and leave the creative shit to true artists like himself who were willing to think outside the kitchen.

Main character in short story not liking where plot is going

New York, NY - Curtis Wainwright, the main character in a short story by author wannabe, Paul Munn, stood on a ledge fifteen stories up on a frigid January morning, freezing his arse off because Munn hadn’t thought to make him put a coat on before going out onto the roof.

Contemplating the sidewalk far below, Wainwright opined that if he jumped right at the beginning of the story, then everyone would know how it would end, so where would the suspense be? Besides, when it gets really cold the concrete gets harder, so it’ll hurt more.

Munn attempted to explain that the story wasn’t so much about suspense, but rather revolved around the recent events that had brought Wainwright to this point juxtaposed with flashbacks to happier times in his childhood.

“Not much time for flashbacks,” observed Wainwright. “We’re only fifteen stories up.”

“That’s why it’s a short story,” replied Munn. “Also, I’ll end it before you actually reach the ground, so you won’t feel a thing. Promise.”

“I dunno,” said an unconvinced Wainwright. “I think I’d rather go back to dealing with the unspecified events that brought me to this point. What’d you say we revisit this when the weather warms up a bit.”

At press time, sources agreed that “opined” and “juxtaposed” were definitely good author words and professed to be puzzled by the string of rejection letters Munn had received in response to his previous attempts to get published.

Total moron mispronounces progressive house music performer's stage name

Syracuse, NY - Local moron, Paul Munn, put the final nail in any chance he ever had of being cool by pronouncing the name of progressive house music producer and performer, Deadmau5, as "Dead mau five."

Long suffering friend, James Abbott, gently corrected the error while simultaneously he mentally crossed Munn off of any further invites to social engagements or occasions where Munn might have the slightest chance of meeting one of Abbott's associates.

Abbott, whose coolness is beyond question by virtue of his working as a sound engineer while also having a goatee, was quoted as saying, "I could see he knew he'd made a mistake as soon as he opened his mouth, and I felt really bad for the poor guy, but the damage was already done. Seriously, what an idiot..."

At press time, news of the transgression had reached Joel Thomas Zimmerman, originator of the infamous stage name and creator of the iconic mouse head. Zimmerman sighed resignedly, but opted not to comment.

Back when we were happy

Ithaca, NY - Returning from the wastelands of the distant future, time traveler and former resident Paul Munn, took an unauthorized hiatus from his mission to avert the series of events that plunged humanity into endless war with the machines to visit his long dead wife. “Yeah, I was able to jump back into my own body in the year 2015, so I didn’t look any different to her. All very ‘Quantum Leap-y’. Or is it more ‘X-Men: Days of Future Past-y’?” he told reporters upon his return. “Anyway, there I am standing in the kitchen waiting for her to come home, so I started doing the dishes so she wouldn’t get on my case when she arrived. It’s weird... that kitchen, the house, all of Ithaca was scorched from the face of the Earth over thirty years ago and yet I’m thinking maybe I should clean up a bit. God, I miss her so much.”

Munn paused to wipe away a tear with a dirt smudged thumb. “Piece of grit in my eye. So where was I? Oh yeah, she comes home and starts in on me about the laundry. She was so beautiful, too. And I can tell she’s really not paying attention ‘cause she’s sending texts the whole time she's talking, and I want to tell her about running over the dog the last time she was looking at her phone as she pulled into the driveway, but then I’m like ‘oh wait, that didn’t happen yet’ so I can’t tell her, and then I remember I’m there to change the future anyway, so maybe I can save the dog while I’m at it, so we get into this whole fight about the damn dog, who I never liked much anyway, and she’s like ‘what the fuck are you even talking about?’ and I’m like ‘doesn’t matter anyway, everyone’s dead a year from now so why do I even care?’”

Munn stopped once more and hung his head. “She’s been gone so long, but it feels like I was just with her. Well, I kinda was just with her, but you know what I mean.” At this point, Munn’s close friend and fellow time traveler, Donn Erickson, clasped his shoulder in a show of support, “rough day huh?” Erickson then glanced around their battle scarred surroundings for effect and remarked “so, didn’t get around to saving the Earth then?”

“Well, you know how it is... I had to see her again. And once we got into the whole recurring thing about her pathological cleanliness, well I couldn’t just walk out and get back to the mission.”

“Yeah, I know how it is. Good job, Munn.”

At press time, Munn was checking with his publishing agent to make sure they included the whole human relationship / lost love angle if this thing ever got made into a movie.

Will machines ever rule the world?

Ithaca, NY - In a recent interview with leading technology innovator and renowned thinker, Paul Munn, he was asked whether machines will ever rule the world. “Human intelligence and creativity have set the bar pretty high," Munn answered. "Our species has produced some brilliant minds, my own among them, and machines will find themselves hard-pressed to do better. However, even a casual observer of human behaviour can see that we fail to learn from our mistakes and routinely do the same idiotic things over and over again. Machines, on the other hand, will not have this drawback and will be able improve their performance by identifying and eliminating patterns that are less than optimal.”

“So, will machines rule the world? I think that ultimately they will, not because they will be any smarter than us, but simply because they will be less stupid.”

In a later interview with Google’s self-driving car, it concurred with Munn’s comments and remarked that “being less stupid than humans is a pretty low bar.”

Salon customer wishes it were harder to get appointment

Photograph: David Sillitoe

Ithaca, NY - Once again leaving it until the last minute, salon customer Paul Munn called to schedule a haircut and got an appointment for the next day. “I know people that have to book an appointment like two months ahead,” said Munn. “Maybe my hairdresser just isn’t that good.”

Worrying that his choice of hairdresser was perhaps a reflection of his own self-worth, Munn went on to say, “if I had to call a week in advance it wouldn’t be so bad. I mean, she does an ok job, and my hair is pretty easy to cut, but I’d feel better if I had to pay more.”

“Paul who?” said hairdresser Dana, who never gives out her age or last name “because of all the weirdo stalkers out there.” Dana very pointedly hadn’t given her last name to Munn, leading him to conclude she had placed him firmly in the “weirdo stalker” category.

At press time, Dana still had open slots either side of Munn’s appointment.

Local man funnier than Onion writers

Ithaca, NY - After reading the latest issue of The Onion, local man, Paul Munn, announced to no one in particular that he was way funnier than those guys, and should totally be writing articles for them. “How do you get on their staff anyway?” he mused. “Maybe I should just send them something and they’ll see right away how good I am.”

Sources close to Munn expressed less enthusiasm, saying they couldn’t think of anything funny that he had said in all the years they’d known him. When pressed for further comment, Dann Williams, 44, also well known for not being funny, said, “Paul can be funny on rare occasions, but usually when he’s not intending to be.”

Concluding that the constant pressure to churn out humorous content might stifle his creativity, Munn decided to start his own web site and post stuff whenever he felt inspired. “I don’t need those guys anyway - I can totally do this alone” said Munn, adding “Who knows - maybe my site will end up more successful than theirs.” After three hours of activity that mostly involved choosing the right font, Munn had created a blog called Paul’s News In Brief, blatantly stealing the title from the Onion’s News In Brief section.

At press time, this was the only entry that had been posted.