Local man regrets telling therapist about his blog

Ithaca, NY - Local therapist, Dr. Debra Kline, consulting with a fellow member of her profession on her patient, Paul Munn, admitted that she was somewhat puzzled by a recent statement he made insisting that therapy was merely there to help people get comfortable and stop panicking. He apparently thinks this state of mind is valuable in the animals we eat, but not something he chooses for himself.

She went on to say that the only connection between Munn’s unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying him was that he uses intelligence to justify sickness. He seems to alternate between viewing his own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse, and I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for him is that it's his mind, within his control.

I have no doubt that he is bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass, because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is; it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work, and the bottom line is some people are okay going to work, and some people, well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.

At press time, Kline admitted that in Munn’s case she largely disregards most of her formal training and instead bases her assessments and subsequent treatment on what she learned from watching Susan Sarandon’s characterization of Dr. Wong in Rick and Morty.

Local man decides Grabthar’s Hammer a really cool name for a band

Ithaca, NY - Following in the time honored tradition of naming bands after obscure movie references, local man and awful guitar player, Paul Munn, decided it would be worth forming his own band just so he could call it Grabthar’s Hammer.

Sources reported that they recognized the reference immediately, saying that it was far too obvious, and adding that it wasn’t even worth doing anymore, since Death Cab For Cutie had already done it in a more obscure and cool way than anyone else possibly could.

And no, sources added, any references to the Princess Bride (e.g. Thieves Forest, Miracle Max, Bruit Squad, Shrieking Eels, Montoya, Fezzik, Iocane, The More Deadly Poisons, R.O.U.S., Fire Swamp, Lightning Sand, Count Rugen, Six-Fingered Man, Pirate Ship Revenge, The Sound of Ultimate Suffering, Mostly Dead, A Little Alive, there are so many!), while admittedly uber cool, were also not even remotely obscure enough.

At press time, Munn decided that maybe an abstruse book reference, like maybe The Electric Monk, or Kreeblphor, would be better, but eventually settled on We Can’t Sing, But We’ve Got a Cool Name.

Local wife decides not to invite plus one to unveiling at Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery

Washington, DC - Local wife, Paula Cee, having received an invite to the unveiling of the portraits of President Barack Obama and former first lady Michelle Obama, opted not to bring along her plus one, Paul Munn.

Numerous celebrities and political figures were in attendance, including Bruce Springsteen, Gayle King, Tom Hanks, Joe Biden, Carol Pounder, and one of Munn’s personal hero’s, Steven Spielberg, none of whom Munn was afforded the opportunity of posing with for a selfie, least of all because he wasn’t there.

A sumptuous range of dishes, comprised of favorite recipes of former presidents and first ladies, was served to all those present, which of course didn’t include Munn, who instead had to be content with a packet of Ronald Reagan jelly beans that Cee brought back with her. I shit you not... Ronald Reagan jelly beans.

Cee later told reporters that she’d offered Munn some weak excuse, not wanting to admit to him that she was basically embarrassed by his insistence on telling jokes that were never funny and his weird propensity for wearing plaid shirts with striped sweaters.

At press time, Munn could be found sulking in a corner, eating his jelly beans. “Next time I get an invite to an event held in honor of a former president, I’m leaving her at home with the dog,” Munn declared. “Unless it’s for Donald Trump - I’m totally dragging her to that.”

Evil Paul Munn’s blog identical to original except for, y’know, being evil

Evil Ithaca, Evil Parallel Universe - A version of Paul’s News In Brief titled “Evil Paul’s News In Brief”, posted in an evil parallel universe, written by Evil Munn, was found by reporters to be essentially identical to the original except for having the word ‘evil’ prefacing all of the proper nouns.

Upon digging a little deeper, our research department was able to find a couple of extra pictures of Evil Munn with a goatee, but that was pretty much it.

Evil sources told reporters they hadn’t previously been aware of the 'not' evil version, but now that they had had a chance to read both they conceded they were kinda similar, but the evil one was definitely much funnier.

Responding to accusations that all he had done was plagiarize the original Paul’s News In Brief, Evil Munn retorted that Munn stole all his ideas from the Onion’s News In Brief, so c'mon, which of them was really the evil one?

Local superhero unable to think of cool name for newly acquired superpower

Ithaca, NY - Local superhero, Paul Munn, told reporters that his recently discovered ability to always insert USB drives the right way on the first try was somewhat useful, but as superpowers went, incredibly lame.

“I didn’t even get it in a cool way,” he continued. “Y’know, like a highly unstable, experimental quantum computer exploding in my face. Nothing like that... I just got a little static shock while inserting my thumb drive one day, and now I have the world’s most mediocre preternatural skill.”

Sources close to Munn said that he had wanted a superpower for as long as they could remember, even going as far as getting a job in a genetics lab with the express hope that he would be involved in some freak accident.

“They do all this weird messing around with DNA and they use all these really long, scientific words, so you’d think if something was going to go horribly wrong, resulting in a really cool superpower, that’d be the place. But instead, this happens to him...”

“Poor bastard,” sources added.

At press time, Munn still hadn’t settled on a name, but had at least commissioned a skin tight, red and black superhero onesie with the USB 3.0 logo on the chest.

Paul Munn rumored to be top pick for next James Bond

Hollywood, CA - Speculation has been swelling for months over who will take on the iconic roll after Daniel Craig, with a lineup of actors including Idris Elba and Tom Hiddleston under consideration. Michael Fassbender and James Norton had been thought to be among the front runners, after Munn removed himself from the field early in 2016 by declaring he would rather slash his own wrists before boxing himself into a part that would likely typecast him for the rest of his career. However, Sony Pictures' recent offer of $200 million might well have sweetened the pot enough for Munn, and, let's be honest here, an actor with the range and widespread appeal that Munn enjoys would be very unlikely to suffer any long term stagnation. Munn is one of the most distinctive brands in cinema. You know exactly what type of movie you’re getting when you see his name above the credits, and you can be sure that’s really him doing the balcony-jumping, car-chasing and choreographed ass-whupping. He’s the man with the deadliest skills, the maddest stare, the strongest cranium, the graveliest growl. When he punches the air, the air screams in pain. In a recent interview Munn hinted that, if he were to take the part, he would want to put his own spin on the British secret agent, playing Bond as chauvinistic, sweary, vulgar, not very good at being secret, and by no means the sharpest tool in the agency’s box. Basically, everything that James Bond isn’t and the sort of brilliant parody that only an actor like Munn could deliver.

Fans in shock as reigning MMA World Champion, Paul Munn, knocked out of running in embarrassing quarter final defeat by Nate Diaz

Complete asshole, Paul Munn, photobombs the eclipse and ruins it for everyone...

Local man convinced he’s the only one that gets the reference to San Junipero in review of Valerian

Ithaca, NY - Moviegoer and occasional Netflix watcher, Paul Munn, undeterred by eye rolling from individuals that shall remain nameless, announced that there was no way anyone state side would’ve watched the episode in question. “Maybe a few people back in England, but absolutely no one over here... ‘cept the two that did the review... but definitely no one else.”

Munn also remained convinced that no one but him had ever heard of Ulrich Schnauss or Mackintosh Braun, despite downloads of their music in the hundreds of thousands, and notwithstanding the fact that Mackintosh Braun sound like a boy-band, so really, why even admit you listen to them?

At press time, long suffering wife, Paula Cee, told reporters that, yes, Munn watched some pretty out there stuff and totally agreed that she had never heard of any of the weird shit he listens to on Pandora.

Man ponders thresholds for interest and relevance while being attacked by shark

Great Barrier Reef, AU - Media attention has focused recently on the enigma that is Paul Munn, with many of our readers wanting to delve deeper into the mind of this rising star in the academic world to find out what motivates him and drives his priorities.

Our reporter was able to obtain an exclusive interview with this hard to reach figure as Munn was being attacked by a great white off of the coast of southern Australia.

The first question on everyone’s mind was how Munn dealt with the deluge of information coming at him every day. Certainly, all of us are overwhelmed by how much material there is to consume on a daily basis, but this is especially true for those in the scientific community.

Although admittedly a little preoccupied, Munn responded, “It’s important to consider how interesting and relevant something has to be in order for it to be compelling.”

He went on to say, “Interest is not a binary concept. Something is not either interesting or not interesting; it’s more of a spectrum, and by extension, each of us has a threshold on that spectrum that a new experience has to exceed in order for us to want to pay attention to it. The same could be said of relevance, although the two are somewhat intertwined.

So, while the acquisition of knowledge is valuable for its own sake, the unfortunate reality is that we can’t simply be content to expose ourselves to new experiences in a random fashion. In modern life our attention is so fragmented that a new experience has pretty high bar to surpass in order for it to show up on our radar.”

To make this point more concretely, our reporter was quick to suggest that the rows of razor sharp teeth contained in the powerful jaws attempting to clamp onto Munn’s torso would serve as an excellent example.

“Yes,” said Munn, “This is definitely a new experience, which is necessary but not sufficient to make it worthy of consideration. In terms of its relevance to my professional goals, well, it’s certainly relevant to my continuing to have professional goals, so for that reason alone it’s something worth paying attention to.”

After a brief pause while he struggled to sink his thumb into the forty foot long carnivor’s eye socket, Munn continued, “It would be nice to be able to schedule things like this, but when viewed objectively you’d have to conclude that it falls into the category of things that are better dealt with as they come up. Let’s face it, it’s only going to get worse if I don’t come up with an appropriate response in its early stages.”

At press time, Munn was scanning the pages of a paper on sexual dimorphism in meiotic recombination, trying to find something that exceeded his threshold for interesting and relevant. He also noted that the railings outside his window had recently been painted and warranted being kept an eye on. Frankly, it was a toss up between the two.

Fully grown, 180lb apex predator, whining about paper cut

Ithaca, NY - Comfortably occupying the top spot in the food chain and lord of all he surveyed, local apex predator, Paul Munn, complained to reporters that his recent paper cut was really painful and seemed to rub against everything he touched.

Although vastly superior to many members of his own species in both strength and intellect, Munn appeared to be incapable of avoiding constantly irritating it, “Jesus! It’s in the worst place possible on the tip of my finger.”

Sources close to Munn reported that he was actually a huge wuss and total feeb'. “He always sits down to pee, he can’t drink more than two beers without getting a hangover, and God forbid you should have to be around him when he has a minor sore throat. You’d think he was dying.”

At press time, Munn was sucking the offending digit like a little baby, after striking a key too hard while writing this blog post.

I can see your house from here

From his vantage point on the edge of space, adventurer and daredevil Paul Munn, exclaimed to reporters “Wow, the view from up here is spectacular!” When pressed for further details he added, “Incredible. Simply breathtaking. I can see like a really, really long way... bloody cold though.”

After a brief pause he continued, “Ok - I’m feeling a bit sick. Going back in the capsule - let’s get this thing back on the ground.”

A brief exchange with his ground station ensued, after which Munn was overheard saying, “What’d ya’ mean I’m supposed to jump. I thought the parachute was just for emergencies!”

Another exchange elicited a long string of expletives from Munn, followed by an incredulous, “Hell no. HELL! NO! Nobody said anything about setting a world skydiving record!”

Malcolm Golding, director of the ground station spoke with reporters as events unfolded, “I knew this would happen... I just knew it.” Shaking his head and looking at the ground he added, “He’s in a capsule attached to a giant weather balloon, twenty three miles above the Earth... he’ll be up there for a very long time if he’s expecting us to help him out. Maybe he’ll freeze to death and then he’s not our problem anymore.”

At press time, “Ok, you guys are hilarious. Real funny. Seriously, joke’s over now - get me the fuck down from here!”

The many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics and the philosophical debate between Platonic realism and nominalism

Nairobi, Kenya - Acknowledging that he was at least lucky enough to have a plastic sheet on the roof of his corrugated metal shack, local slum dweller, Paul Munn, gazed despondently at the stretch of churned mud separating him from the nearby train tracks and speculated that, perhaps, in some parallel universe a version of himself lived in a real house.

“Maybe I’m married to a beautiful scientist, and we live together on a quiet little street with our dog and two cats,” Munn said to himself. “Yeah, that’d be nice,” he added, as he reflected upon the stray dog he had recently befriended and subsequently eaten.

Residents of neighboring hovels confirmed that this was by no means the first time Munn had pondered an alternate existence where he was rich enough to afford a car or two, and maybe a big, comfy bed, and even a gym membership.

“Hey, just a hot shower and a couple of decent meals would be a step in the right direction,” Munn lamented as he weakly brushed flies away from the sores on his legs.

At press time, in another parallel universe, President Munn signed an executive order to lock up all the scientists. “It’s for your own safety,” he said indignantly. “Come on people - have you never read Anathem?”. “Let’s lock up the atheists as well,” he added, “just in case.”

Miscommunication leads to dog being fed twice

Ithaca, NY - Sources confirmed this week, that, through a combination of deceit, lies of omission, and sad, innocent puppy eyes, local dog Bosco had managed to extort a second meal out of his clueless owner, Paul Munn, whom Bosco thinks of simply as “food guy”.

At press time, Bosco patiently endured the nightly humiliation of having to sit and wait until he was told to eat, all the time thinking that there was no way his distant wolf ancestors would’ve put up with this shit.

Impostor police finally show up

Ithaca, NY - Local PhD student and longtime impostor syndrome sufferer, Paul Munn, was taken into custody today by the impostor police.

Sources present during the arrest reported that, rather than attempt to refute the charges, Munn actually looked somewhat relieved, and simply commented “What took you guys so long?”

Arresting officer Joseph McGovern said that Munn appeared as if a huge burden had suddenly been lifted from him. “He genuinely seemed like he was glad it was all over.”

Fellow PhD student and lab-mate, Michael Meyers, admitted to reporters that he thought the warrant was for him when the officers started reading the charges. “I started to put my hands in front of me so they could cuff me, then pretended I was just stretching when I realized they were addressing Paul.”

“Seriously though,” Meyers continued, “did he really think he could keep up the act for an entire four or five years? It was pretty obvious from the outset that he didn’t have a clue what he was doing.”

When reached for comment in his holding cell, Munn said that he blamed a motivational calendar he had purchased the year before quitting his job and returning to school. “I had to endure an entire twelve months of ‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ and ‘Spread your fucking wings and soar with the eagles’.” Looking at his surroundings he added, “You know, this cell’s a lot like my old cubicle. I should’ve just stayed put.”

At press time, further charges were brought against Munn for supposing he was witty enough to write blog posts in the style of The Onion’s News In Brief.

Local front lawn giving up on ever getting mowed

Ithaca, NY - Recent developments on the front lawn of local resident, Paul Munn, caused a few raised eyebrows in the immediate neighborhood, but went otherwise unnoticed in the grand scheme of things.

Sources observing through half closed curtains reported what they could only describe as a look of detached interest on Munn’s face as he watched flames emerge from the engine casing of his lawn mower. Passers by noted that what would normally be a somewhat annoying or even distressing situation seemed to Munn to be a cause for mild amusement. “Or perhaps he was crying,” they added, upon reconsideration.

Next door neighbor, Nerys Tanner, thought the spectacle might even be worthy of a Facebook post, and pondered whether a hashtag for watchingmylawnmowerburn already existed. “The grass was getting embarrassingly long,” she commented to reporters. “It always looks awful for about the first month of the Spring. He puts off that first mowing of the season for as long as he can.”

Glancing once more at the cloud of smoke in front of Munn’s house she added, “Guess it’s not going to get any shorter anytime soon.”

In hindsight, putting all the guys in the world into a giant pit was a pretty good idea

The Giant Pit, Upstate NY - After three weeks of living in the giant pit, local pit resident, Paul Munn, told reporters that life down there wasn’t nearly as bad as he had first imagined it would be. “A lot of guys complained in the beginning, but now that we’ve settled in I’d have to say that digging a big hole in the ground and then throwing in all of the men wasn’t such a bad thing.” Sources around the lip of the pit wrinkled their collective noses and said that it smelled decidedly sweaty down there, but then it’s a whole bunch of guys in a pit, so what’d you expect.

Kim Hollis and Paula Cee, two of the original women who came up with the idea for the pit, said that they occasionally had need of a man, but it was easy enough to fish one out with a hook, put him to work for however long they needed him, and then throw him back in afterwards. “Doesn’t really matter which one you get,” said Hollis. “They’re all pretty interchangeable.”

Some grumblings could still be heard from the occupants of the pit, but even they grudgingly conceded that the world was a much nicer, prettier, and better smelling place than it had been before. “Yeah, sure I miss holding doors open. And I miss carrying shopping bags around for hours,” said Munn, “but it’s all for the greater good.” As an afterthought, Munn added “And sunlight. I miss sunlight.”

At press time a huge argument could be heard from outside the pit, prompting all the men within earshot to breathe a sigh of relief and scratch their stomachs in unison, secure in the knowledge that there was no conceivable way that they could be blamed for whatever it was that all the shouting was about.

Thinking of the world as a complex, multi-layered construct only way man can cope with life

Ithaca, NY - Local man, Paul Munn, told reporters that reducing the world to a dynamic system of interactions between competing views of reality was really the only way he managed to stay sane. “I know it’s a huge oversimplification, but extrapolating effects on a macroscopic scale from a multi-dimensional hierarchy of intersecting hyper-planes is sometimes the only way I can get through the day.”

Expert sources on the convoluted nature of the space-time continuum we affectionately call our universe agreed that to truly come to terms with how what we perceive as a single, unified thing is actually comprised of many disparate things required one to build a mental picture of a simplified mathematical model capable of simulating abstruse physical laws. “How else would anyone be able to connect one event to the next, or have any hope of making predictions for the immediate future?” they said. “I mean, you wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed, let alone drive a car.”

At press time Munn stood frozen in place, attempting to update his internal predictive model as a baseball rapidly converged on his forehead.

Meaningful eye contact made with cashier at Wegman’s

Ithaca, NY - Part-time runway model, Cornell sociology student and Wegman’s cashier, Joseph Markwell, reportedly stood patiently while customer Amanda Penbrook fumbled with her credit card and stammered awkwardly through what she hoped would pass as casual conversation.

Sources listening in described it as a pathetic attempt on Penbrook’s part to maintain her composure in the presence of Markwell’s God-like physique, also confirming that she blushed visibly when he asked her to swipe her card again as it didn’t go through the first time.

Standing behind Penbrook in line, local customer, Paul Munn, exchanged a quick glance with Markwell, wordlessly conveying that Munn also knew the burden that comes with being a stunningly handsome male specimen. “Enduring the stares and somewhat flustered attentions of multiple middle-aged women is our cross to bear,” the look said.

Speaking with reporters, Munn said he hoped he’d also managed to communicate that the sense of isolation and longing for an ordinary, boring life was something you just had to accept as a part of being exceptionally good looking. However, Munn felt that perhaps some of the nuances of their brief interaction regarding a preference for paper or plastic had been lost on the younger man.

At press time, Penbrook passed Munn in the parking lot while returning her shopping cart and completely failed to even notice him.

Area wife declares husband inadequate in every way

Ithaca, NY - Rather than running through a comprehensive list, area woman Paula Cee simply declared that husband, Paul Munn, failed to meet her expectations in every category she could think of.

Close female friends of Cee’s were in agreement that, while Munn was generally a nice guy, he really wasn’t anything to write home about, and came up short on just about all of the qualities you’d look for in a real man. Adding insult to injury, sources went on to say that Munn definitely wasn’t lacking in the lazy sloth department and was very capable of being a complete arse when he put his mind to it.

When reached for comment, Munn rolled his eyes and wisely decided not to say any more on this topic than he already had, concluding that it was very likely that he’d already said too much.